It starts with a decision
Quite recently I watched Black Mirror: Bandersnatch and that got me thinking about life in general.
While that was cleverly made and the interactive narrative gave the viewer the power to create different pathways, it also helped me draw parallels on how we can mirror that understanding in our everyday lives.
More often than not, we undermine how much control we have over our lives and how everything starts with a decision, a decision that we consciously or subconsciously make. From what I have observed, the realization that we have power (or not!) over our lives is innate to us and deep-rooted right from our childhood. Like everything else that we are looking to change, we can only address this and take control once we recognize and accept there is a problem.
I’m no expert in human behavior, human psychology, or the human brain. However, over the years I have had a quite a few experiences that deserve credit for teaching me a thing or two and have observed the behavior of others around me, which has led to a hypothesis about control and what we as humans make of it.
India is a societal country and the need to please everyone around is innate, even if that means compromising on values and safety; so is the need to control others, especially the younger ones. As children, we were always told what to do, what not to do, and most of us didn’t have the freedom to even chose our own clothes; be it in school or outside. We were told what is “good” and what is “bad”; what people would think of us if we were naughty and disobedient. We were also asked to give hugs and kisses to every person who met our parents or adults taking care of us, even if we did not want to (cause otherwise that person would feel insulted!!). Bottom line, we had to be obedient above all. Yet, when you dive beneath the froth, a very different scenario is revealed.
Outside forces driving one to do something one doesn’t want to in the first place leads one to believe one is powerless. It’s easy to be misled by the deafening buzz. As a result of this, most children learn to throw tantrums, the only way out to a child’s mind.
A regression of trivial activities of this scale slowly sends a message to our baby brains that we neither have the power to drive our lives nor chose what we want, hell most of us as kids learn we don’t have power over our own bodies, we need to constantly please others and so on.
The power to say “NO” and the power to be decisive.
The prerogative to say “NO” is taken away in our childhood and we didn’t even realize what a huge loss that was. Thereon, we get accustomed to letting others make decisions and choices for us that we completely forget how much control we can have over our lives. As adults, when things don’t go our way, we behave as we are wired- throw tantrums: yell, rebel without a cause, fade back into a dull corner, bottle up emotions, get violent, seek attention in counterproductive ways etc. We do everything except take stock of the situation and think logically. Why? My hypothesis is- our wiring does not allow us to.
This behavior and belief get carried forward for the rest of our lives if we don't recognize and address it, we continue to let other people make decisions for us.
We fail to understand that every action and subsequent situations that we find ourselves in, begins with a decision. We can either consciously create our own future or we can let someone else chose for us and face the consequences without blaming them cause remember, we chose to let them decide. We know very well that no one has control over your lives unless you give it to them- a decision we made subconsciously
Doubt there is a succinct explanation to the dynamics of this decision making-accountability circle.
What I think can be done? Simple things like letting a child choose his/her clothes, decide what books or toys they want, ask a child’s opinion on general situations and follow through, hear them out when they speak, be less dismissive, encourage children to have their own voice, opinions, stand-up for things they believe (even if its silly!), minimize the usage of the word “NO” instead use reasoning and explanation. Teach them about values, behavior, respect and not just based on age or gender or religion.
While that may seem incongruous initially, we fail to fully grasp that regrets come easy. Pause, take a deep breath, reason before making a decision and find the optimal way to control situations.
This is a cliche which is easier said than done. However, Bandersnatch has helped me visualize …., if only. Bandersnatch gave us exactly 10 seconds to make a decision, to choose. In reality, most of the time we have more time than that- breathe, think, analyze, and then respond with a decision. Being consciously aware of this at all times could actually lead us to make better decisions, and set us free.
I want to reiterate that opinions stated above are my own, I’m not refuting or challenging anyone’s theory nor am I promoting anything. These are my observations, my learning, and my opinions.
Finally, does this amount to overthinking? Do you share my views and opinions?
